Saturday, May 2, 2015

Sex With Skippy

It took some time but I finally managed to get my parents into the Hollywood. The day had been long and tiring but very exciting getting the chance to see all sorts of weird and wonderful native wildlife, be it in a park. Featherdale Wildlife Park, and we also spent the morning in the Blue Mountains, a very scenic location on an hour or so away from the city.

To maximise the potential for the day, we left early. After sun rise as we had some sleepers amongst us. Dom and Nina had hired a people carrier so that we could all go out with ease. With there being six of us, an eight seater made light work of the bunch. Even with it being an automatic with so much torque that at every stopping it left its mark of burned rubber on the ground.
Trying to get everybody ready and out in time or at the same time was a very difficult task. Making sure they all showered, got dressed, did their make up if they needed etc... was quite a chore. Even with my parents getting up at about 6am daily, they still took their time in getting out of bed, dressed and washed or whatever they needed to do. Mainly my mum actually, utilising the apartments free WiFi. Instead of getting up, dressed and ready, she'd often lay in bed, playing on her phone. Most likely scrolling down the news feed on Facebook, spying on her friends, seeing if anyone was up to no good. Seeking out any hot gossip or making some of her own, or simply posting photos to her profile. I don't know and don't really care, as long as she eventually gets out of bed and dressed and we leave at the time we said we would. We left maybe half an hour after we'd planned but with it still being just after 9am, the whole day was still there for our taking.

First things first. Coffee and some food before we set off on the long journey towards the clouds and into the blue haze created by the eucalyptus oil all over the mountains. So much eucalyptus that there is even a scent called 'Blue Mountains Air'.
On one of the many ways out of the city, we stopped off at 'Bourke St Bakery', possibly the finest breads in all of Sydney. Not that I have had much, it's known to me because of these amazing little sausage rolls. The famed 'pork and fennel' sausage rolls contains what looks like carrot, good quality pork meat, fresh fennel bulb and fennel seeds, all that packed tightly in the most flavoursome, flaky pastry. Almost a meal in itself, the best sausage rolls I have ever tried, easily. I've had many in my time, even some gourmet home made ones from an excellent caterer who once worked in the kitchens of an old job of mine. After spilling crumbs of the delicious pastry all over myself, the back seat and the floor, I sipped at my coffee and we were all ready to go. Obviously they weren't waiting for me to finish my food before they set off, it just so happened that I finished at roughly the same time as my brother and he was driving.

En route to the mountains via the Parramatta Rd, we passed by Leichardt, my old hold town. Further and further along the road we came to car showroom after showroom. It seems that as you get out of the city along the Parramatta Rd, you first come across antique shops around the Camperdown area, then wedding dress shops around Leichardt, then the further you get are contemporary furniture showrooms then what must be mile upon mile of car showrooms. There must be more cars for sale than the whole population of greater Sydney. How can the be so many cars for sale. Passed them it becomes more or less the open road for nearly a hundred kilometres.

The closer you get to the mountains, you can clearly see how the surrounding area changes. The altitude secretly climbs to well above sea level without you ever really knowing. The start of the trip was in mountainous Surry Hills which is what, maybe fifty metres above sea level give or take. This increased to what was about seventeen hundred metres,, which I noticed on a sign as we pulled into a villages shopping precinct. Dom needed the loo. Others took advantage of this stop and wandered the streets, popping in and out of shops and disposing of excess urine into the toilets provided.

The air was thinner, only slightly, much fresher. It is quite an off thing to say and think but the further you get away from the city and into the bush, the air quality improves ten fold. You can feel it, pure mountain air. Crisp, scented and mostly pollutant free. You start to notice yourself breathing more deeply as you realise the purity of the air, a higher quality, to get better still the closer we get to the mountains.

We weren't much further from the mountains, you could see them under the horizon. The hue was the distinctive blue that is so associated with the Blue Mountains which is obvious in the name. You really need to see them for yourself to truly understand why though. It is quite easy to explain but is something altogether quite special to see. It wasn't looking to great and I wasn't optimistic about it but the weather was a bit poo. Clouds concealing the happy glow of the sun.
Not once has there been a time where I've been to the mountains and it's been a clear and sunny day. It is always overcast or wet and miserable. Today was certainly no exception. I've only been twice before though so that claim wasn't much to go on. There were small patches when the sun came out, briefly blasting us with its cancer causing rays, heating up small portions of our arms and faces making them redden slightly, then it disappeared once again behind the dense and miserable looking clouds.

By the time of our arrival at maybe 11am, the sun had pierced the sky, dissipating the smaller, inferior clouds with its immensely powerful heat. The darker, denser clouds remained but the gaps between them were now large enough for the sun to shine through illuminating the mountains showing them in the most desirable light, to the extent that they actually did glow a shade of blue. A deep rich blue similar to that of a late evening sky after the sun has already set and the birds and over creatures of the day have returned to bed and just before the blood sucking insects and nocturnal creatures have their time. We drove around a bit to find a parking spot in Leura, the place with the walk down to and around 'The Three Sisters' a formation with a mythological story of lust, jealousy and cowardice ending in the infinite petrification of three sisters. The moral of the story of the three sisters is to not fall in love with a member of a rival clan/tribe, nothing good will come of.
Well, things have certainly changed now but the sisters are still cast in stone for all eternity.

Like every other time I've been to the Blue Mountains, one or more parts of the path. This time not due to recent weather but because of an inconveniently times bit of maintenance on one of the paths. We walked down part way towards the waterfall but only made it a few hundred metres. The path became waterlogged and slippery, my mum and grandma weren't finding it easy so we went back up to the top. It was lunch time I think, we'd spent the late morning at the Blue Mountains, taking in the sights, basking in the occasional blasts of sunlight and watching the hoards of tourists with curiosity.

We drove back into the town of Leura to have a little wander along the streets and get bite to eat for lunch. We'd all agreed on buying various bits and bobs from the supermarket to make sandwiches and stuff like that, olives, cheese, cooked meats, bread and semi dried tomatoes... yummy.
Apart from the usual souvenir shops, Leura actually had some really cool and different boutique shops. One specialising in candles with fragrances to excited anybody's olfactory glands into making their noses twitch uncontrollably. I thought it was quite funny that the only thing my mum and grandma were interested in the candle shop was some branches of fake leaves, they were talking of putting the leaves into a big vase making it look all pretty. I left empty handed but a head full of scent.

There was this shop or shops a few doors down, a boutique clothes and other stuff shop. One for men and one for women right next door to one another. I was drawn in by a couple of books, and some other various man things. One of the books was about beards, not much interest to me as I tend to have a cleanly shaven neck and chin but the other was about moustaches. I do have a moustache, quite a big one that I'm growing and trying to maintain. The books were quite expensive but the shop had so many other facial hair related goodies. I walked away with a small tin of moustache wax made in Sydney. It wasn't the most fragrant wax but it did the job and wasn't unpleasant, it simply smelled of bees wax. There were so many amazing little things in the shop that made it hard to leave, we had to though as we had lunch to eat and the animal park to get to before it the day ran away from us.

We made our sandwiches in the car, on the move. The best possible way to save time and maximise mess is to eat without plates, handmade sandwiches in a moving vehicle. I managed to used one of the meat wrappers as a rudimentary plate to minimise the amount of crumbs going on me or all over the floor. After the sausage roll in the morning though, there was already a bit of a mess. The animal park we were going to was a bit less than halfway between the city and the mountains, being slightly closer to the city.

Driving through the suburb of Bankstown, you go past a school or recreational park and then there it is. Featherdale Wildlife Park. This special little book that Dom has gives him access to offers at various venues all over Sydney, including bars, restaurants and a buy one get one free offer for Featherdale. We took advantage of this offer and somehow managed to get hold of two of these magical little dockets. Outside the place in the pick up/drop off are a were big coaches from all over, some smaller coaches similar to the ones you see all over Sydney. The small coaches all seem to be dropping off groups of Asian tourists, whereas the big ones are people from all over. I imagine that some are even on excursions from cruises or other package holiday deals.
It would have been quite possible and probably very easy to sneak in with these groups. They must all have pre booked tickets as they walked straight in. In fact it was harder to find the tiny, almost hidden booth where you bought the entrance ticket. Once found, I purchased two and went in with my grandma who took her time using the toilet just passed the main entrance. There was a gate to get in that had to be kept shut, I imagine so the animals get the wrong idea and think that they can walk out willy nilly and/or escape.

As soon as you walk in, you see these little marsupial things bouncing around. They kind of look like a cross between a wallaby and maybe a possum. Some were really small, about the size of an average bunny and some were as large as a dog like a Jack Russell. They were such cute creatures though, you could even buy ice cream cones stuffed with hay or whatever it was, instead of ice cream. You wouldn't want to eat one but the cones labelled as 'Kangaroo Food' went down a treat with the locals, not referring to the people. I had a look on the website to find out what the cute bouncy things were but I couldn't find any information on them, lets just assume that they were some kind of wallaby.
Behind a big and solid fence was a most peculiar and prehistoric looking bird. Huge but not ostrich size with a bright blue mohican thing on its head. A 'cassowary' the most bizarre looking flightless bird I have ever seen. Massive muscular legs with claws the size of paring knives and I'm assured they were equally as sharp. If I hadn't stumbled upon a nature documentary about animals down under, I would never have heard of or seen these things before. Even with knowing very little about them I found them most peculiar. The stare one gave was actually very scary and sinister. Thankfully there was a fence keeping us apart otherwise I fear things would have been very different and I or some poor child might have their bowels torn apart and spilled all over the dusty floor.

Through the next gate there were dozens of the little wallaby things bouncing around or lazily sitting on the floor being fed by hundreds of tourists. There were even small kangaroos standing upright with their pectorals flexed with arms hanging down looking almost ready for a fight. Some bird cages around the edge with some parrots and a pigeon called a 'topknot pigeon'. Anybody aware about the current trend of hispters rocking a topknot. There's this one guy in South Africa daring to do what we all want, by running around cutting off peoples topknots as they seat eating eggs Benedict or drinking a flat white. On the far side opposite the gate was a small covered area about the size of a standard one car garage. In that space were three stumpy tress with fork shaped branches. On two of those branches were a couple of koalas. Not like the sleeping ones in sheds or the occasional one munching on some eucalyptus leaves. These ones were awake and allowing themselves to be humiliated by the hundreds of tourists, poking eucalyptus branches under their noses making them eat. Almost force feeding them so that they can get up close and stroke their thighs and get a perfectly positioned photograph. It was terrible... so I had a go.

Koalas are incredibly cute things, it's not surprising that they were apparently used in the design of the most popular cuddly toy in the world, the teddy bear. Their fur was not as soft as I expected though, I thought given how cute they were, their fur would be like fluff, like one of those little cute fluffy bunnies or Guinea pigs. It was coarse, bristly, quite thick hairs, thicker than a cat or dog in fact. It was almost as disappointing as stroking a sea lion thinking that it was going to be as smooth as the finest suede and softer then a water bed but in actual fact was rough and hard, more like a cow. The cuteness of the koalas saved them though, especially the one that was getting tired and decided to go to sleep meaning that he was no longer allowed to be stroked, instead he probably drifted off into some kind of eucalyptus induced lucid dreams. Most koalas bear a strking resemblance to my great uncle, they had the same shaped head, face, body, everything. They almost look identical, if he were to sit in a tree and eat leaves he would blend in so well that nobody would even notice that he was a human, not a koala.

The next enclosure had bigger kangaroos, not the human or larger than man sized red ones that would give even the best heavy weight boxer a good fight. Wombats hiding in holes or under logs. Popping out for a moment then running, or more likely waddling back to the hole they emerged from. They were fat round lumps, big heads, stumpy little snouts and wide bodies. They were cute, really cute. There were a lot more birds with many different kinds of parrot. Some you see in the wild, others you only see in films starring Johnny Depp as a pirate. More wallabies and small kangaroos.

There were a few different eagles in big cages. One looked like the typical eagle you see, white, gold and brown feathers with a sharp, hooked beak and massive talons as large as an adults hand. Another was a small one, and then there was a huge black fluffy thing. It was not cute but menacing looking. Although it was slightly comical in the way it looked like it was wearing a pair of black M.C Hammer trousers. A square tailed thingy. All of the birds of prey were tearing apart cute little yellow balls of fluff that were once upon a time living chicks. Once a cute baby bird that might one day come to laying some delicious eggs or even become somebodies roast dinner, was in fact in several bundles of flesh and feathers and in the mouths and talons of bigger predatory birds.

I went to go and see the Tasmanian devil. I'd only ever seen them on TV and wanted to know if they were as violent as the shows made them out to be. They were actually really cute, really cute, squashed little bodies, big bear shaped heads with lots of small but very sharp teeth. I missed the feeding but got to see it laying on the floor, running around and dragging its arse on the ground like a dog riddled with worms. I did hear how they got the name, when they are aroused or threatened in some way, blood rushes to their ears causing them to turn bright red and to an inexperienced naturalist, seemingly resemble a beast of the underworld. It was getting late, the sun was slowly beginning its decent over the horizon and the park looked as if it were nearing closing time as most of the groups of tourists had left or were leaving.

We took that as a sign to start making our way to the exit via a large kangaroo paddock and through the reptile hut thing.

It couldn't have been, too public, right out in the open, in front of so many watchful eyes. The one of the male kangaroos had two smaller females around him, one very close almost like he was receiving a piggy back from her. Oh, they were having sex. With his big torso and massive upper body strength, he held her in his arms. Pumping back and forth and occasionally slipping out or repositioning her. It was so similar to watching pornography in a non arousing or sexual way. Sorry, that sounds disgusting and wrong but it was such a spectacle it was hard to turn away from. The similarities to some kind of human mating ritual was unreal. If they didn't have a dear shaped face, big rabbit like back legs and a long furry tail, it would be easy to mistake them for humans. The Onlooking tourists that remained were either in hysterics or were simply appalled by what they were seeing, surely these animals should be doing that behind closed doors. I thought it was amazing, I admire the guys confidence, I wish I could be like that. The other female looked on with jealousy, she wanted a piece of the action but he was far to interested in the other one, the one he was currently boning.

We left through the reptile hut. I'm so glad there was a thick pane of glass separating some of the snakes and us. A few were ranked very highly on the 'worlds most venomous' list. One held the number one spot, a Taipan of sorts. The 'Inland Taipan', presumably because it is more into the bush and desert, not a coastal species. I do not want to ever cross paths with one of those if I come back to Australia and decide to venture into the wilderness. I would run a million miles back to the ocean to seek refuge among the sharks and jellyfish.

A good day, seeing the natural beauty of the mountains and the natural beauty behind glass walls or wire fences at the wildlife park. The sun had set and it was getting darker by the second. We left and went back to the city.

You may be wondering why this is featured on a beer blog and quite rightly so, it's more of an essay on the beauty the Australia has to offer. However the day did end with a trip back to the Hollywood. I had to take my dad there at least once before we went back to England. Not only was it imperative that he went because I used to work there but because of what a brilliant pub it is. We had some dinner, went for a walk and then popped into the Hollywood. A wonderful way to finish such a lovely day. Probably one of my highlights so far actually spending some good time with the family.


Unfortunately Marc wasn't around but no matter, we stayed and had a few beers. My grandma stayed at the apartment as she was tired, it had been a very long day. My mum and dad came, along with Dom and Nina. We started on Coopers green, an Australian classic, my mum had Café Patron, the coffee flavoured Tequila based liqueur, Nina had a wine. My dad was undecided if he wanted another or what he wanted so I got him another Coopers. My bro and myself went for a beer from Murray's, 'Moon Boy', a brewery from the wine country. Moon Boy is an Australian Golden Ale, bursting with tropical fruit and highly perfumed. It was a very delightful beer, I had another before we left. It had been a long day, we were all tired so retired to bed.

If your short on time but want to see what weird and wonderful animals Australia has to offer then checking out Featherdale is a must.


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